


make a decision (start a new religion)

by livtontea



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: (me looking over the fence at s2) what the hap is fuckening there, Gen, No Beta, Season 2, cult leader klaus, nobody likes timetravel, spoilers for the trailer lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:42:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25177090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livtontea/pseuds/livtontea
Summary: Five's time-travel is complete and utterhorseshit,Klaus decides.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 71





	make a decision (start a new religion)

**Author's Note:**

> i've no idea what this is lol
> 
> title is from the cult of dionysus by the orion experience, which i was listening to writing this bdfkhmbsdf
> 
> enjoy :)

Five's time-travel is complete and utter _horseshit_ , Klaus decides, when he's spat out into the streets of the 1960s. Again.

It's different this time, of course, he isn't still feeling the aftershocks of steady hours of torture, isn't going through withdrawal, this is a street and not an active war zone, and there's no fucking _briefcase_ —but, still.

_Again._

His first thought is something similar to _the fuck?_ and his second is along the lines of _holy fucking shit_ , followed up by the desperate need to strangle the shit out of someone. Preferably one 15-going-on-58 year old, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.

He stumbles when he falls through the portal, almost lands face first on the concrete. Klaus curses as he catches himself, sticking his arms out to the sides for balance. _Horseshit._ The next time he sees Five, he's grounding him from time travel. Indefinitely.

 _The next time,_ because his hands are empty, and he's very much alone in the alley, except for the person standing near a trash bin pointing and gaping. Klaus swivels his head, trying to figure out what in the dim alleyway is worthy of such slack-jawed awe, but finds nothing. Pity. He could use a pick me up.

“God?”

Klaus blinks.

When the person doesn’t start laughing, doesn’t say, _ha ha, just kidding!_ —when nobody rolls out the cameras to announce that he was just duped on live television, he thinks: _Oh, shit._

Yeah... yeah, he can see why some twink appearing out a swirling vortex might be a little—well, batshit insane, and that's coming from the guy who's best friend is his dead brother. The rational side of him sees two ways to handle this: one, pretend the poor chump is hallucinating and book it, or two, knock the sucker out and run.

The crazy, loopy, disoriented side of Klaus knees his rationality in the balls and spits out, “Yes, that’s me, hello.”

The person throws themself down onto their knees, and, well, too late to turn back now. He’s still fucking dizzy from the time-travel. And the almost exploding the world.

Damn, Klaus needs a hit. Or, he reasons with himself, a nap.

_

A hit and a nap soon turns into a cult following.

And wait! No no, he can explain! He has something to say for himself, this time, he has a reason and a rhyme to his new status as a revered cult leader and kind of, sort of, god-like figure. It’s, ah…

Oops?

Ugh, he can picture Ben’s _I’m mad and also disappointed, buy one get one free_ look. Anger and disappointment are always a fucking package deal in their family, which is, whatever, it’s not completely unwarranted. Klaus laughs to himself, because he is _disappointed_ in their family dynamics, _but not surprised._ Sweet irony.

But it’s not like he’s doing anything _bad!_ He’s bringing knowledge! His following knows the apocalypse is happening, which, to be fair, plenty of them have been convinced of already—a lot of his following is ex-and-some-times-not-ex-hippies—but now they know that it’s not to fear! Not yet, not now, everything is fine and cool. 2019 is a long ways away.

He even holds babies! He’s held babies, sometimes with spontaneous rituals involved, but he’s held them! He’s fucking—he’s _baptized_ people, in their— _his_ —new religion, and is that—is it a _bad_ thing?

He’s helping people!

Everything is fun, cool, fine, and under control. The nagging Ben-voice at the back of his mind can _fuck right off_ because Ben _never_ listens to Klaus! And here, _everyone_ does. So, obviously, Klaus is going to listen to the people who listen to _him,_ too.

And the people are chanting his name and singing his praises so, who is Klaus to object? Change is good. Change is, well, it’s _different,_ and it’s _moving forward_ , which is _good._ This is good. He’s stuck in the sixties, alone, his dumbass family nowhere in sight, but he’s only alone superficially—right? He has this.

Klaus smiles and raises his hands to the sky. _Hello, goodbye,_ he flashes at the clouds. The hundreds of people around him do the same.

_

So, that goes to shit.

Of course it does. At first it’s all good, fantastic, even, because people are listening. People are listening, people _want_ to listen to him, and, wow, that’s a first.

And then they start listening… a little too much. Turns out having to watch every single thing you say because people are obsessed with you is way less fun than the media makes it out to be. Ugh.

The others are back, at least. Ben is corporeal, because Klaus is sober, and Five is back, and the apocalypse is—

Monday.

God, what the hell, why not? Of course the _first_ apocalypse was just a droplet in the whole ocean of _bullshit_ that’s being thrown at them.

Time-travel, Klaus decides, is complete and utter _horseshit._

**Author's Note:**

> so we all rlly thought cult leader klaus was a crack theory huh... how are we feeling guys...
> 
> im on tumblr @zontiky and comments are v appreciated!


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